Resolute

Every New Year's Eve I find myself spiralling into an existential dread, thinking about the things I did, but more about the things I didn't do. Every New Year's Eve I also wonder why I put myself through that when I don't find anything special about the following day. My whole life, holidays and special occasions have never had meaning. I'm not complaining, that's the way I like things. So when I'm suddenly peer-pressured into introspecting the last 12 months of my life, I think it is only natural that I lay in bed staring into the abyss. Resolutions have never been my thing. Taking care of myself hasn't either. I believe the two are interlinked. 

New Year's Day is a lot like my birthday. I don't want to acknowledge it, but I have no option but to do so. As much as I hate doing it, I have to give importance to one particular day, considering it a milestone. I have to make promises to myself that I know I will never keep. Around this time last year, I was faced with the same dilemma. I was in the same spot I was the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that, and so on. Maybe I could use this as an opportunity to fix myself and work on the things that I should have worked on ages ago. Maybe this was the year I would end on a good note for once, without the impending guilt of doing nothing to make myself a better person. I want to try to be a better son. I want to try to be a better brother. I want to try to be a better friend. I want to try to be a better me. Maybe that way I will finally accept myself. 

So in the ungodly hours at the fag end of 2021, while I was dreading the dawn of yet another year that would be worse than the one that went by, I made an impulsive resolution to write a review for every film I watched the following year. For all practical purposes, it was a joke. It meant nothing to me. It was a decision taken so I could finally calm down and sleep. 

It was this little choice of action that gives me hope for the coming year, despite the visceral hatred I have for the concept of a resolution, and the end of yet another year that leaves me at the beginning of the cycle of brooding. I have written reviews for all the films I have watched this year. I know this could sound silly, but it gave me satisfaction. For once, I was able to do something I promised myself I would do. I don't think I write well. I don't think my reviews of the films are any good either. But I got myself to sit down and type every single one of them. This resulted in the creation of my own blog, where I can vent and put up whatever survived my incessant scrumpling and dumping. I gathered the courage to finish my own short film that I dumped the previous February, and publish it. I learned to love my time in college and forge good friendships I hope will last a long time. I love my circle of friends and am very grateful to them for helping me to learn and to unlearn. I created an environment for myself where I could be in peace. 

I had a horrible year. But I know where I went wrong. I could maintain one resolution, how hard would maintaining one more be? There are many things I don't like about myself. I have never been kind to myself. This year my resolution is to love myself. I will take the measures I need to take to work on myself. I will write more, I will read more, I will draw more, I will create more. I will be a better son to my parents. I will be a better brother to the other fellow. I will be a better friend to the people I love. I will not wallow in the regrets that I have. I will continue to learn and unlearn. This year I will be a better person than I was before. I know I will.